How to give a good hug

A brief guide on how I evaluate and give / receive hugs, 2024

I give pretty good hugs.

That isn’t specifically a brag - other people have given me this feedback broadly, some very thoughtfully, and also, some have specifically sought me out on different days to get more hugs from me. At the ARS Unconference in February of 2024, it was getting later in the day and I was prompted to put up a suggestion card for how to give a great hug, which I posted but it fell off of the board due to the sticky note not being sticky enough.

## Agreements of Hugs

I only give hugs when people are open to doing so. Not everybody universally wants a hug, and the kind of hug they want may be different. The somewhat icky and creepy entitlement questions around hugs are also not my own thing - “Where’s MY hug?”.

My strongest preference is to offer, give, and receive hugs only when genuinely requested, rather than done out of obligation or coercion. I would encourage people to hug sincerely, and for me, I will only hug if I can do so in an open and honest way.

For people I am familiar with or events where I am open to it, I usually spread my arms and announce that I am open to giving hugs to both verbally and nonverbally advertise such thing. Then, whoever comes shall be hugged sincerely, warmly, and graciously.

## Hug Methodology Overview

Most people know how to give a hug and know what a hug looks like - two or more people embrace by wrapping their body parts around each other such that they compress together. Hugs can come from multiple angles, but they are most frequently given from the front or the side.

Hugs can be given and received differently based on the relative height levels and body orientation.

My default go-to hug is a standing face-to-face hug. Sometimes if I am hugging my dog, or being hugged by my mom or someone I haven’t seen in awhile, I may hug or be hugged from one side or tackle-hugged (commonly referred to in older internet parlance as a “glomp”). Having a strong and stable core and position to receive hugs of this nature from is usually a good idea.

## Limb Position

Using the above default example, the orientation of limbs is important when considering how to hug and be hugged by someone. Humans with particularly long wingspans may be able to completely envelop another person if they hug another person’s upper torso under the armpits. Sometimes a cross-body hug is done, frequent when there is a significant height difference.

I like to position my arms dynamically based on who I’m hugging. Everybody hugs in a slightly different way, and as a result there is usually some adjustments made when going in for a hug or awaiting a hug from someone else.

There is the less common instance where the other person will leap into the hug and change height levels while also using extra limbs, such as wrapping legs around the mid or lower torso while being hugged. This can be a lot of fun.

## Torso Position

In a face-to-face hug, the person giving the hug will draw in and collect the other person into something like a closed frame such that the person receiving a hug can enjoy the pressure of a hug. Having the shoulder line parallel (limb positioning in) provides security and structure to the embrace and options for how to further build upon and improve the hug.

## Pressure Given/Received

This takes a bit of practice for being able to dynamically and nonverbally adjust the amount of pressure provided inside of a hug. Some people look for really tight hugs, others look for more gentle and supportive hugs. In my experience, hugging usually falls somewhere in the middle of this gradient where it is “supportive but provides noticeable compression”.

When in a hug position it can be easy (particularly if there is a significant size and musculature difference) to accidentally crush someone and constrict their breathing - not good if this is not what your mutual goals are. The ‘bear hug’ is of course a powerful, crushing hold, and this is often too much of a hug for most people.

Pressure can be modulated up and down dynamically by increasing or decreasing the aperture of the embrace as well as the muscle engagement as well. The squeezing movement is usually best given from the sides and from the back, pressing the person into you to increase the level of body contact with a hug.

Usually, a person will be able to nonverbally communicate whether or not a hug is going well for them based on the tenseness of their musculature and some pleasurable audible feedback.

## Duration of Hugs

While quick hugs are usually the most common (less than three seconds) I have found the best overall feedback I have received is to hug someone else for around four to twenty seconds. There is a specific method around this that has to do with breathing and sharing the container of the hug.

This might be considered crackpot theory, but hugs generally provide a calming and relaxing effect (unless there are extenuating circumstances, such as when you are being hugged by a brown bear at maximum sustained force). In order to arrive at that point of calming and relaxation, feeling the mutual presence in the hug through all five physical senses combined with feeling the rise and fall of your own breathing and the breathing of the person you’re hugging is good.

The four to twenty seconds comes around from the awareness of breathing. I usually breathe slowly when hugging and measure out two to four long breaths, paying attention to the person I’m hugging and the moment of the hug.

Hugs can get awkward to downright uncomfortable for most people after about the ten second mark. However, some people who are really enjoying the hug may also close their eyes and press inwards as a signal to extend the hug.

## On giving uppies

One of the more signature hugging moves that I do with a lot of humans is offer them a lift off the ground while being hugged, also referred to as “uppies”.

Depending on your physical background, lifting a human may be trivial in nature, particularly when they are aware and in full control of their body. I like to use a double underhook hold from the front, drop my hips, and press upwards with the body. Anybody familiar with weightlifting (the olympic sport or general broad category of picking up heavy things) can liken this to a clean-and-press or similar kind of motion. It is, however, out of the purview of this guide to recommend attempting to press someone overhead - consider being a base in cheer if you’d like to do so, or go into strength sport.

Depending on the height difference and how far up off the ground someone is being lifted, it may require some additional bracing of the core using some variation of bracing, such as the Valsalva maneuver.

If you’re able to pick someone up by their upper torso, this tends to be very fun for them - gleeful laughter is usually accompanied by this. In some cases, moving the person around gently like a ragdoll can happen to add some extra fun to that. Usually, just a small amount of shaking is good, since going for a really big shake may end up clobbering bystanders.

The side effect of giving someone uppies while also shaking them is that some people may experience spinal decompression similar to a dead hang or using an inversion rig.

It is not recommended to let go, and instead to lower someone to the ground safely after you are done giving uppies.

## Head Positioning

Something that should be considered is where the head is placed when performing a hug. Some people may want to place the head onto the other person’s chest, shoulder, or back (depending on position) - another form of hugging could be where only the head is hugged by other body parts, such as on a lap or into someone else’s torso, and so on. Care should be taken to avoid oxygen deprivation for extended periods of time. Using large surface areas on the head such as the cheeks to increase body contact is considered to be more intimate by most.

## On motion and body contact

In general, the majority of extended motion is to increase available body to body contact. Usually this will be of a slower nature on more sensitive body parts such as cheek to shoulder or hands to somewhere on the back or flank of another person; exercise good judgment here and ask for permission, or consider adding this in at another time.

Hugging may also have more exaggerated motion (as in uppies) or it may also serve as the basis when combined with other forms of play or intimacy to set up for other body positions (going from standing to a seated position while still hugging, as an example).

All parties involved in the hug should be aware of what’s going on when additional motion is introduced, otherwise this can be unwanted and/or potentially disastrous in nature. Body contact should also be carefully considered relative to the person you are hugging - some forms of highly intimate nonverbal communication may not be appropriate in public or be misinterpreted for something other than a hug.

More playful aspects of a hug could be with faster alternating motion between multiple body parts. There is likely another entire guide which I will not be the author of (at least, for now) when it comes to other forms of hugging and/or things that look like a hug but are in fact not a hug.

## Concluding a hug

Giving a pump squeeze or slowly releasing pressure are both good ways of concluding a hug. These might be accompanied by noises or another breath. I like to finish my hugs with a soft smile and eye contact. Asking questions after a hug about immediate performance is usually not called for - someone usually has something to say about the hug afterwards.

## Aftercare for hugs?

Some hugs may prompt a large overwhelming surge of emotion that’s either expected or unexpected. As with any other forms of intimate interaction, aftercare should be considered particularly if there is any additional development after the hug.

As hugging is usually included as a part of aftercare or as part of a goodbye, it is still worth considering particularly if hugging has transported someone to another time and place as a way to bring them back into the real world.

## Developing a practice for hugs

It should go without saying that hugging can be viewed as a skill, and part of developing that skill is exposure to a wide variety of situations. It may seem rather silly to put such a focus on development of hugging as a practice, but if eating, walking, breathing, and pooping can have skill development, so too can hugging.

I like to hug people, animals, and pillows from time to time. While I don’t usually write about hugging in long form practice logs, I do like to remember some truly memorable hugs and how they have shaped the lives of those who engage in that practice.

While there are no specific special interest groups dedicated to hugging, there is both an avid network of humans who are interested in hugging as part of a larger interest of cuddling, which I like to consider be closer to endurance hugging instead.

Hugging is also something that people may disfavor due to the changing medical and socioeconomic climate. Just as people tend to reject eating food with their hands in favor of using specific tools to accomplish the same thing (hamburgers, sushi, and french fries notwithstanding), some people instead prefer to use tools to hug instead of doing it themselves. Using a weighted piece of fabric such as a blanket or having a pillow shaped to provide hugs when they are not available normally is a substitute.

There is also the practice of giving yourself a hug either through physical hugging, or mentally through various acts of self care, such as reading books by Becky Chambers, watching a movie, or wearing a nice robe after taking a long bath.

## Hugging burnout

Sometimes you can over-hug or be over-hugged and it’s important to establish boundaries for hugging and to develop a better sense of when you would and would not like to participate in hugging. While this is optional, offering a non-hug conciliatory gesture such as a fist bump, high five, arm bump, or a distant wave and grunt are all acceptable if people involved are not in the right situation to hug.

You should consider if you are the type of person who can get exhausted from hugging and know where those limits are. If you have interest in doing more hugging, you may wish to consider keeping a hugging log of how many hugs you give/receive in a given month relative to the rest of your life. There are many forms of hugging out there, so it’s important to draw and evaluate your boundaries carefully.

With this handy guide in your toolbelt, you should be well equipped to give and receive a hug from another human being. Good luck!